futurebird's Diaryland Diary
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ugly thoughts I have tonight
Can't seem to stay out of trouble these days.
Tonight I went out with Chad and AB. Watched two movies, pepsi, pizza, Ritter�s late-night. Ritere�s all night diner in oakland is amazing. At 2:00a on saturday it�s nearly full: A middle aged man and woman huddle together in a booth, by their coats and teeth they�re both rich-- I can tell they�re having an affair, a young gay man with a pointed nose black boots and hair encourages a boy, almost 17 to look at James Dean in a whole new light, some guy is shouting about the coleslaw, he throws a fit, then he and his girl leave. I say they pulled an abbie hoffman: half the meal was gone and they didn�t pay. I explained the various ways you can swindle dinners out of food to Chad. We might try one some day.
I really wanted to sleep with AB but Chad was in the way. He just wouldn�t leave! He�s so bitter. Does he have to project it on to everyone else? And why couldn�t he just leave so I could talk to AB alone?
It�s not fair that I think this way, I guess. I don�t even know where AB is, emotionally. Sleeping with another guy would bring a kind of closure to my thing with Giacamo. I want to think I�m not going to get hurt when he tosses me aside, as I�m certain he will. Maybe I should just toss him first. I�m so selfish.
What ugly thoughts I have tonight! I think I�ll fast this week. Now�s the time for work and devotion not emotional drama. Still, a little triste would have been so right-- and felt so good.
I�m going to go wash myself and see if I can forget all this.
08:35:06 - 2000-11-26
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------