futurebird's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- only spending time Many of the lights in the courtyard are lit up tonight. It seems people are burning the midnight oil. Up late Sunday used to be a sign of a good weekend for me. It meant I�d been out all weekend and only started on the school work around 2:00p when the panic over the weekend slipping by would sink in. Not this weekend, though. I�ve hardly been out of the house. I haven't spoken to a person face to face since Thursday.There was a party last night but as it stands I have nothing to prove. I don�t want to talk or show myself. Only stay here and wright, listen to the radio. When I lie on my couch I can see orion�s belt just past the roof top of one of the adjoining wall of the courtyard. It�s a clear night tonight. I might go out in it just yet. I would like to fall in love, I think. I�d like to be at the mercy of my heart again. It�s a very good thing not to need anyone but It�s unfulfilling. That sensation of deep longing for another human being would give these idyll days a pulse. I�m proud of my self for living on this small diet of soup and poetry-- but it�s become a little easy. Even my run is easy. I can increase the distance but that�s only spending time. I have, at last, transformed. Life will get ugly again of it�s own accord. At least now I know the way I will live when I�m old and near ready to die. 05:29:33 - 2000-12-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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