futurebird's Diaryland Diary
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Owen
I think I might have made an unforgivable mistake. Or at least a mistake that will be hard to forgive. If it was a mistake at all that is. I don�t know yet. The dust isn�t settled and the smoke�s not quite cleared.
We live in the age of affliction. It�s not enough to be sad your pain needs a name: manic-depression, narcissistic personality disorder, anorexia, anti-social personality disorder, sociopathy, panic disorder, social phobia, posttraumatic stress disorder . . . to name a few. I guess I�m a little cynical about the entire mental health establishment. I think all of these are just fancy names for loneliness.
Even if you have a chemical imbalance that makes it hard to crack a smile the company of another human being who understands can make living bearable and even worthwhile. So, friendship is pretty important, I guess. And that�s why I worry that I may have made a mistake.
Owen (aka �oonh�) has always been one of my heroes. He�s like a god to me. He sees the world in a way that other people just don�t (or can�t) I identify with that. I think about a lot of things that I don�t say because I know no one expects to hear it told that way.
Owen is one of the few people who reopens my eyes almost every time we talk. When I was still a teenager I wrote a couple of fiction stories about how much he helped me to resee the world, the universe. (here is one and here is the other. They were written when I was 17 . . . so, well, don�t get too excited)
But, lately, he�s been become more and more unintelligible to me. Maybe He�s changing or I�m changing or both. It seems a lot of our common friends feel the same way. I don�t know who will be there to understand him if he looses us. I think he needs to change. That's� arrogant, I know, but I�m not the first person to say this. In some ways I�m the last.
So when I was in Cleveland this week I agreed that he shouldn�t be invited along on one of the typical reunions my friends from high school have yearly.
I did it because I want him to know that how he acts and treats me and other people matters to me. He can�t continue to deliberately confuse people and expect everyone to yield and accommodate it.
But now I worry that what I did was all too harsh and that it might have been too much--- especially now. He�s been having a hard time. He�s moving out to live on his own now. So I�m getting up the nerve to call him, to say, I don�t know. �I don�t hate you� ? �I love you� ? � ...� ? I don�t have any idea.
I hope I haven't made it all worse.
05:25:23 - 2000-12-28
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