futurebird's Diaryland Diary
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All of my efforts were failures anyway.
Is it so bad to be alone?
I�ve been alone without a friend for about three months. Well, I have a few people I know . . . but I don�t feel I can call them whenever I want. I haven�t seen any of them for more than a month anyway. So I am isolated.
The strange thing is that this no longer frustrates me. I once listened to the sounds of people passing me in the hall of my apartment talking and laughing and I�d feel so sad because I only ever laugh very softly to myself and at things aren�t really funny, and there, by my ear, was reallaughter. I wish I could really laugh.
But in the past few weeks something has changed. I don�t have the need to reach out to people anymore. All of my efforts were failures anyway. I think sometimes that I must be a bad person because I have no friends, after all, who would be left alone like this except for someone who was stupid, or monstrous, or arrogant, or cruel, or short sighted, or obscure.
But it may just be chance I think and then I decided that it doesn't mean I�m a bad person I just haven't meet the right group of people yet.
I will meet them some day, join some amazing conversation-- right?
15:53:47 - 2001-01-26
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