futurebird's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Is that too much to ask? Maybe it is. He has left me. I had a lot of trouble writing that. It makes me feel worthless to be left. It�s happened before. It makes me feel ugly and stupid and inferior. I saw him with her today. Chad had told me he�d seen him with someone else eariler this week. I didn�t want to believe him. She was beautiful. She is better than me. I can never compare. I must change. I watched the autobiography of Francis Bacon today. He is this witty twinkly-eyed old gay man living someplace in the UK. He says �I think my paintings are beautiful.� If you have seen his paintings you�d know that they aren't what most people would call beautiful. But, I like them. I agree with him. As I sat in the video room at the library with my knees jammed up against the little desk where one of the television was I wanted to shout out �Bacon's work is beautiful!� But, there are enough people who think I�m crazy as it is so I kept quiet. I tried not to think about coming out of the uni-mart today and seeing M standing on the corner hand in hand with the lovely woman with the black hair. �I must concentrate on my work, become a better artist, become focused on where to place a single item on the canvass (or the stage) like Bacon� He was becoming my hero. If I could get people to love my work loving me wouldn�t matter. I forced myself to smile. The more you smile the better you feel right? Even if it�s forced. I grinned hard and bore my teeth in the dark. I can�t start over again. I know I must, I know I will, but I�m sick of this. I�m sick of leaving people and loosing people. I just want to be loved. Can I be loved? Please? Is that too much to ask? Maybe it is. When we would go out on walks at night I would buy M these cream flavoured hard candies. He loved them. I did too. I don�t think I�ll ever be able to eat those again. In fact I didn�t eat at all today. I actually made an effort, too. I fixed some roast beef and eggs and then just stared at them. I know I�ll eat tomorrow. I ought to be hungry by then. I wish I had no emotions. I wish I was a better person than this. 11:25 p.m. - 2001-04-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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