futurebird's Diaryland Diary

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beast that drives her forward

I always hated her. I like to think that I�m above hating anyone. It takes so much energy to hate some one that if you care that much about them you might as well love them instead. Even though I try to think that way, I hated her anyway. Her work was always neat, straight-forward, yes, she refused to used diagonals or anything that created a sense of depth or conflict in her compositions. I hate that. Her work always felt condescending to me. I�d try to strike up a healthy conversation with her (an argument if you must call a spade a spade) and she would play the peace-maker at every turn. Everything was fine. And how is the weather? Fuck it! I�d think. Why is she in the arts anyway? What do you have to say, woman?

It didn�t help that she was pretty, bright eyed glossy haired. A weathered smoke-sucking hag such as myself takes no joy in being condescended to by such a happy little song doe-eyed bird. Why do you smile when you speak to me? Is something funny?

But yesterday I saw something new. I was standing on the elevator and there she was, in her neat little coat leaning on the wall, weary, she hadn�t seen me. �Hello.� I said, no humour.

She snapped awake, I witness the beast that drives her forward kicking her body up to attention. It was so hard to see the effort it too her to pull her mask on.

�Oh, hello Susan� She said all the weariness buried
�It never seems like we have class anymore.� I said (classes have been cancelled for the past few days)
�Yes, yes I know what you mean.�
�What do you think you�ll do when you leave here?� I asked.
She responded in one breath. �Oh, I�m not leaving. I�m staying on to get my masters in Art Management. MAM. I figured I need to learn that because I might want to run my own theatre someday and I can do it all in five years, well one more year now. What are you going to do?�
�I thought I�d get a job I hate and work with guerrilla theatre companies during the night till it sucks the life out of me.� (my standard response to the question)
�Oh.� She bobbed her head vaguely
�Are you happy?� I asked
She didn�t answer right away then with what seemed to me like great effort managed �Yes! Of course. I�m doing what I love.�

She�s even more miserable than I am.

Didn�t think that was possible.

She did have enough sense not to ask if I was happy. Smart girl.

Hate turns to love.

16:36:15 - 2001-01-23

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